


creature of habit

by ilovenct



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Underage Drinking, it's not even Wild like that folks, just...a mixture of both, ok it's really not that bad tho i swear the drug stuff isn't really about the main characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-08
Updated: 2017-04-08
Packaged: 2018-10-16 04:59:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10564113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilovenct/pseuds/ilovenct
Summary: If Jeno was the angel on Mark’s shoulder, then Donghyuck was the devil, and Mark wanted to do something that felt wrong, even just once.





	

Sometimes, Mark felt like his life was monotonous, too monotonous to be the life of a 17-year-old boy.It never really bothered him.

 

Mark wasn’t good at taking risks or being rebellious or doing anything that could potentially cause him to get yelled at by his parents — or anyone in the world (he really, really hated getting yelled at). He found comfort in monotony, no matter how lame and boring it seemed to others. The more everything stayed the same, the less he had to worry about. He couldn’t see how worrying less would ever be considered an issue, no matter what way you looked at it.

 

He liked having everything figured out, everything organized just how it was supposed to be. From a young age, he planned just how his life would be, and he intended to stick to it. To go to the same university as his father, to get his degree in journalism, to become an accomplished writer, to stay friends with his tightly-knit group — that was what really mattered to him.

 

And most importantly, there was Jeno.

 

Mark met Jeno when he was in second grade, and although Mark had never really been much of a romantic, he likes to think it was love at first sight. He never said it out loud, but he never felt like he had to. Mark somehow could still remember the day they met like it was just yesterday. He had fallen off the monkey bars on the playground and gotten huge, nasty scrapes on both knees, and the very first person who ran up to help was a little boy, a year younger than Mark, with a smile that shone throughout his whole face and felt warmer than sunshine.

 

Somehow, that first meeting felt like it represented their whole relationship. Jeno was younger than Mark, but whenever Mark was hurt, troubled, stressed, upset — Jeno had the answers. Jeno was always there to help him, and even when all he did was smile, that was enough to make any burden Mark could ever bear feel lighter. 

 

Jeno was truly Mark’s best friend, and Mark was Jeno’s, and somewhere along the line, their relationship simply fell into place; the “best friends” title started being accompanied by “boyfriends.” And part of Mark’s Big Huge Mark Lee Life Plan was to be with Jeno for the rest of his life. Even though he was young, he just figured it was what felt right. Their moms thought it was adorable, their friends were always accepting about it, and the two of them were absolutely content with it. Who cared that they were still in high school? Being young didn’t mean they couldn’t know what they wanted.

 

Mark’s life might’ve been monotonous, but he liked it.

 

On this particular lazy day in June, the pair were lounging on the couch, Jeno’s head on Mark's shoulder, not a care in the world as they watched any remotely interesting content they could find on television at 4 p.m. on a Thursday. It was their first day of summer break, and they had been drifting in and out of sleep all day. Mark’s parents were both at work, and there wasn’t a single responsibility they had to attend to (other than putting out food for Mark’s cat). No interruptions, just utter laziness.

 

“Jeno,” Mark whispered as he looked down at the younger boy and saw his eyes fluttering open, lashes daintily hitting his cheeks. “Should we leave the couch at some point today?”

 

Jeno chuckled quietly, looking up at Mark. “Mhm,” he grumbled, sleep in his voice. He sat up straight, leaving the spot on Mark’s shoulder. “What should we do, hyung?”

 

“Jaemin texted the group chat while you were sleeping,” Mark said with a smile. “Something about his mom offering to order a bunch of pizza and shit for all of us.”

 

“Sleep? Never heard of it,” Jeno announced, turning off the TV and getting up from the couch. “Pizza? Now that’s a close friend of mine.”

 

Mark laughed, watching Jeno sitting on the floor putting on his shoes. “Jesus, I’ve never seen you this eager to go anywhere ever.” He couldn’t help but admire him as he sat there. He was pretty, of course, he was one of the prettiest boys Mark had ever seen.

 

He looked up, eyes smiling as usual. “Hey, I really worked up an appetite with all that sleeping.”

 

—

 

Jaemin’s house was about ten minutes down the road from Mark’s, and by the time they arrived, the other boys were already there and fully rowdy.

 

“What took you so long, lovebirds?” Jaemin said as he opened the door.

 

Jeno laughed, playfully hitting their host. “I was asleep, and Mark didn’t want to wake me!”

 

“Gentleman Mark Lee, what else would we expect from the legend himself?” Donghyuck teased from his spot on the couch, already deeply engulfed in an intense game of Mario Kart with Chenle. 

 

Before Mark had a chance to reply, Chenle interjected. “Don’t be jealous, Hyuckie hyung! Mark loves Jeno, that’s why he’s so nice. Maybe you need a boyfriend too!”

 

His smile fell slightly, an unreadable look on his face. “We can’t all be so lucky to be dating the same person since diapers,” he retorted.

 

Mark couldn’t help but feel a little pang of something — maybe sympathy — for how Donghyuck’s whole expression had changed from Chenle’s words. Donghyuck’s cheeks burnt the faintest shade of red, and Mark looked to Jeno to see if maybe he noticed too. He hadn’t, he was already busy play-fighting with Renjun. Mark exhaled, thinking maybe he was just a little too perceptive and sensitive to even the slightest bit of imagined discomfort anyone expressed. No one else seemed bothered — Chenle and Jisung had both laughed, and within a minute, Donghyuck was gloating about his Mario Kart victory.

 

Soon, Mark had forgotten about the discomfort that had bubbled up in his chest at that moment, lost in the flurry of laughter and games and pizza and soda and music and the warmth of the summer night.

 

His six best friends, that was all it took to make him happy. 

 

_Another reason_ , he thought, _why I want things to stay this way forever._

 

—

 

The next morning when the boys were still groggy from a long sleep, eating last night’s half-empty bags of chips for breakfast, Mark was hardly following the conversation until he heard Donghyuck’s invite.

 

“You guys, we’re having a barbecue at my house two weeks from today, for my dad’s birthday. My mom says you’re all welcome to come swim and eat and sleep over.” He smirked. “I’m sure you guys don’t have any plans.”

 

“Hey!” Jisung objected, tossing a pillow in the older boy’s direction. “Clearly you don’t have plans either!”

 

Donghyuck laughed dramatically. “Jisung, I _am_ the plans.”

 

“Actually,” Jeno said from his spot on the floor, propped up against the couch, “I’m going on vacation next week, dumbass.”

 

Mark furrowed his brow, trying to remember if he had ever been informed about this. He was a conscientious person; he liked to think he kept track of most things, especially his own boyfriend, but this was throwing him for a loop.

 

“Vacation?” Mark pondered out loud, trying to conjure up a memory of what Jeno was talking about.

 

“Mark hyung,” Jeno whined. “Donghyuck not knowing is one thing, but you too?” He smiled, letting Mark know he wasn’t actually angry, but Mark still felt bad.

 

Mark scratched his head. “Shit… When? Where?”

 

“My family is going to Jeju for, like, two weeks. Whole big family thing, it’s gonna be… Interesting,” he said, sipping from a bottle of soda that had been sitting out since last night.

 

“I thought that was next month!” Mark protested, finally forming some recognition of what Jeno was referring to as a lightbulb went off in his head.

 

“Mark hyung, this is embarrassing,” Chenle said with a laugh.

 

Jeno grinned, that same comforting smile as always. “It’s okay, I think he lost a few braincells after getting destroyed at literally every video game last night.”

 

“Not fair, you guys kept sabotaging me on purpose.”

 

Donghyuck cleared his throat, bringing the attention back to himself. “Anyway. I’ll be seeing the rest of you there, right? Mark, will you be alright going without your other half?”

 

Mark’s face flushed, and he hoped with all his heart that it wasn’t noticeable. “Yeah, Donghyuck, pretty sure I’ll be just fine.”

 

—

 

That cloudy Sunday when Mark walked to Jeno’s house to give him a hug and a kiss goodbye, he walked back home feeling like something was missing. It wasn’t the first time they had to go without each other for a few weeks, and normally it really wasn’t terrible. Maybe a little boring, maybe a little lackluster, but certainly not sad. That wasn’t how their relationship had ever been. Mark had friends, and he had things in life that he was invested in other than Jeno.

 

But this time, Mark felt lonely the second he watched their car driving away, headed for the airport. 

 

“You alright, honey?” Mark’s mom asked as soon as he walked in the door. _How does she always know?_ he thought to himself as he sat down in their kitchen, watching her cook.

 

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just… I don’t know. I feel weird,” he mumbled. He didn’t exactly love analyzing his feelings.

 

She gave him a soft smile. “It’s alright to miss Jeno, sweetie! He’ll miss you too. And you two can text and call anyway.”

 

“I know, I know. I’m being silly,” he said, wondering why this time he felt so off. 

 

“Why don’t you get out of the house? Maybe go see Renjun? Or Donghyuck? You and Donghyuck used to be so close, it’d be nice if you spent time with him.”

 

Mark rolled his eyes. This wasn’t the first time he had gotten the Spend Time With Donghyuck speech. “Mom, I see Donghyuck multiple times a week, every week. Why do you always say that?”

 

“I mean, just you two…” She hesitated before speaking again. “I saw his mom at the store the other day, and she said he misses you.”

 

Mark’s stomach formed a tight knot, feeling some strange combination of shock and guilt. He didn’t think Lee Donghyuck was capable of missing anyone, let alone him — someone he saw almost too often. And he certainly didn’t think Donghyuck cared about the fact that they hadn’t had much one-on-one time recently. They used to hang out more, especially considering the fact that their mothers were friendly, but it had been Mark’s junior year, and he was busy. All the time. He knew he had neglected a lot of things that he cared about, but he didn’t think his friends fell under that category. None of his other friends had ever seemed to feel like that, anyway. Apparently just Donghyuck.

 

“Really?” Mark managed to spit out. “I had no clue… If I had known, I would’ve made more of an effort…” he trailed off.

 

“Of course you would’ve, Mark, you’re a good friend. I know that.” She lifted her voice, smile in her eyes. “Just text him, I’m sure he’d appreciate you even asking to hang out.”

 

He bit his bottom lip, nodding his head in agreement as he wondered how he could’ve let this fly under his radar. _You’ve never been good with emotions, Mark_ , he told himself. _And Donghyuck isn’t exactly vocal about every less-than-happy thought that comes to his mind. Just text him._

 

He wondered why it took five full minutes for him to work up the courage to press ‘Send’ on the message to Donghyuck. 

 

—

 

Hanging out with Donghyuck felt how it had always felt. 

 

Donghyuck was the funniest person Mark knew. He’d never tell him — he didn’t need the ego boost anyway, Donghyuck already thought he was the funniest person Donghyuck knew — but after hanging out with him, Mark’s face always hurt from smiling, and his stomach always ached from laughing.

 

Hanging out with Donghyuck felt fun. They could do the same thing every time, and somehow it was always exciting. 

 

“You have terrible taste,” Donghyuck said as they finished watching some random movie that had been on TV. “The best part of the whole thing were my jokes _about_ the movie.”

 

Mark had to admit that was true. If it hadn’t been for the fact that Donghyuck was roasting every character as hard as possible, they probably would’ve turned it off an hour ago. “Mr. Humble, as always.” 

 

“Sorry for knowing I’m great, Mark Lee,” he said, stretching as he got up from the couch. He had a twinkle in his eyes that made Mark watch him in wonder. “Let’s go get ice cream. My treat.”

 

 

The two of them sat on a bench outside the ice cream shop, watching cars drive by, melting ice cream dripping down the cones and onto their hands, laughing at nothing in particular. When Mark’s phone buzzed, Jeno’s name popping up on the screen, he tried to ignore Donghyuck’s eyes lingering on it as he clumsily replied with one hand.

 

“Is that why you asked me to hang out today?” Donghyuck said quietly after a moment of silence, focusing too intently on his ice cream.

 

Mark thought about that for a second as he looked up at the other boy, inspecting his face. “Is _what_ why I asked you to hang out today?”

 

Donghyuck hesitated. After a moment, he turned to look at Mark, finally meeting his eyes. “Jeno leaving.” Mark broke eye contact, and Donghyuck went on. “I mean, I know I’m a second choice in comparison to your boyfriend… But I was just curious.”

 

Mark inhaled, shutting his eyes for a second. _A second choice._ In that moment, it felt hard to call Donghyuck second in anything. Donghyuck was, in so many ways, the best. And Mark knew that Jeno was, of course, his first choice among all of his friends, but he never had to say it out loud before.

 

“No, man. No. That’s… That’s not it at all,” he stumbled over his own words, searching for the right thing to say. “I, well, I just wanted to hang out with you. It’s been a really long time, you know, just us. I don’t know.”

 

Mark looked back to Donghyuck, and Donghyuck flashed him the most brilliant smile, brilliant enough to make his heart feel like it was caught in his throat. Truthfully, he hadn’t felt a feeling like that ever, and he couldn’t begin to explain why it existed. “Don’t get so worked up, Mark hyung. I just wanted to know.” He bumped Mark with his elbow, a playful glint in his eyes. “Don’t look so worried.”

 

“No, I wasn’t worried! I just, uh, I didn’t wanna seem like a dick…” Mark said, unconvincingly trying to mask the panic he had just felt.

 

Donghyuck chuckled, clearly amused. “Mark Lee? Not worried? That’s a first.”

 

The older boy looked away, focusing on nothing in particular. If both his hands weren’t busy holding his ice cream and his phone, he probably would’ve started chewing on a nail. It really hit him, someone else other than his family and Jeno noticing how often he stressed about everything. At least if other people noticed, they never said anything.

 

“See? You’re worried again,” Donghyuck observed. 

 

“What? How can you tell?” 

 

A soft smile crept on Donghyuck’s face. “You do this thing… Like, you kinda purse your lips, and your eyes look like they aren’t looking at anything at all…” He looked at Mark like he had just been caught sharing a secret, his eyes widening a little. “I don’t know. I just kinda notice it sometimes.”

 

Mark bit his lip. Something to bite other than his fingernails, some way to channel how nervous he suddenly felt. “Oh. I, uh, I honestly never even noticed that myself.”

 

“Oh,” Donghyuck mused. “It’s cute.” Mark tried to think of any logical response to that observation, but his mind was blank. Donghyuck went on. “But, really, you shouldn’t worry so much.”

 

Mark scoffed, sounding slightly entertained. “Yeah, lemme just tell my brain to shut the fuck up whenever it starts to panic.” He looked at the boy sitting next to him, meeting his eyes which were already busy inspecting his expression. Donghyuck looked like he was trying to figure something out, and the summer heat suddenly hit Mark, making him feel all too smothered at once. He felt exposed, like the boy at his side could see through him.

 

“Sorry, it was a stupid suggestion. My mom has anxiety, I know how shitty it is… Sorry, hyung.” 

 

Mark frowned, taken aback by Donghyuck’s words. Sure, Mark had googled those stupid “Do you have anxiety?” tests a few times before, and he was pretty sure he’d had a panic attack once or twice, but it wasn’t something confirmed, let alone something he had addressed with anyone but himself. “I don’t… I, uh, I’m just a nervous person.”

 

Donghyuck smiled, sweet, reassuring. “I’m just saying, some people can’t really help when they feel anxious. I should’ve known better.” He ate a mouthful of ice cream, eyes sparkling. “My mom would’ve yelled at me for even saying it.”

 

“It’s no big deal, really,” Mark replied, finally feeling like he could breathe a little better.

 

Biting into his cone, Donghyuck quietly replied, thoughtfulness in his tone. “You never have to feel nervous with me, though, hyung.” He said it like it was the most casual thing in the world, the most obvious thing in the world.

 

Mark didn’t look at Donghyuck, but in the corner of his eye, he could see Donghyuck looking at him. He could feel his own face going red, and he counted the seconds until the boy’s eyes averted. He refused to look, but he swore Donghyuck was smiling.

 

—

 

Jeno was busy — he was actually having more fun with his family than he expected — and his cell service was shitty. And Mark spent every single day of that first week of Jeno’s vacation with Donghyuck. On one occasion, they ended up making plans with the other boys by the end of the day, but the rest of the time, it was just the two of them.

 

Mark lost himself in it, lost the empty feeling he had on the day Jeno left. Mark felt himself unraveling, in the best way imaginable. They went swimming, they watched shows and movies and stupid videos on YouTube, they played video games, they ate snacks until they couldn’t breathe properly, they took aimless walks. They were laughing more often than they weren’t. Mark felt content. And Mark thought Donghyuck felt content too, even though that was the norm for Donghyuck anyway.

 

And from that moment at the ice cream shop, Mark’s heart felt at ease with Donghyuck by his side. Like something within him had clicked. He took Donghyuck’s words to heart — he didn’t feel nervous when he was with him. 

 

But he couldn’t say he _never_ felt nervous around him. That was too absolute, and Mark knew it would be a lie.

 

Occasionally, there was a feeling that bubbled up from the pit of Mark’s stomach, a feeling that made his whole body feel slightly too warm and absolutely like his heart would burst. “Nervous” was the only word he could assign to it, but it wasn’t nervous like how he got before giving presentations or taking a big test. It thrilled him, and as much as it overwhelmed him, he didn’t mind it. He chose to indulge in it but never ever tried to explain why it occurred.

 

The first time it happened was on the bench that day.

 

The next time wasn’t even 24 hours later. He had been sitting on the edge of the pool, watching Donghyuck because Donghyuck had insisted he was on par with professional divers — “watch and be amazed, hyung” was what he had proclaimed with a grin. When Donghyuck resurfaced, hair a mess and water droplets streaming off his face, Mark swore his heart did a flip. _Donghyuck is beautiful_. That’s the first thought that came to his mind when Donghyuck emerged, bright smile on his face, his cheeks glowing with happiness. He couldn’t help thinking it.

 

“That was pretty good, don’t you think?” he called, pushing the wet hair out of his face. Everything Donghyuck did was candid and happy and beautiful, and Mark thought it was normal for him to feel just a little bit attracted to someone like him. Some stupid quote about a smile being the best accessory came to his mind, and he reasoned with himself, saying that’s what made Donghyuck so breathtaking — he was happy. Nothing out of the ordinary about that.

 

“Yeah,” he replied, “you’re better than I expected.”

 

It happened again one night at Mark’s house when Donghyuck swore, “I’m not staying over. Just let me rest my eyes for, like, five minutes.” Five minutes turned into an hour, and Donghyuck was laying on the floor next to Mark, fast asleep, an occasional snore slipping out of his mouth. Mark knew him well enough to know he was not walking back to his house at this point.

 

“Come on, Donghyuck,” Mark urged, poking his face. “At least get in the bed.” 

 

“Mark hyung,” Donghyuck whined. His eyes opened just the tiniest amount. “I don’t think I can move.”

 

Mark shook him a bit, trying his hardest to wake him up. His skin was warm under Mark’s fingertips, like it had soaked some of the sunshine up. He wondered how a person could possibly feel that way.

 

“Come on, it’ll take 10 seconds max.”

 

Donghyuck opened his eyes, slowly, looking at Mark through his eyelashes. “Okay… As long as you don’t sleep on the floor.”

 

Mark paused, taken aback. “Sorry, man, one of us has to get the floor. And it can’t be you, my mom would kill me for treating my guest that way.”

 

Mark could tell Donghyuck was half-asleep. _He doesn’t even know what he’s saying. It’s fine. I’m fine._

 

“Just… Just lay in the bed with me… We’ll both fit…” he said, lazily pushing himself up, eyes still droopy.

 

Mark knew it wasn’t a bad thing, it wasn’t the first time he’d slept in the same bed as a friend. This time, something about it made him feel guilty, but not guilty enough for him to object. He crawled into bed alongside Donghyuck, cozy and comfortable under the covers with him.

 

He woke up holding onto Donghyuck.

 

The “nervous” feeling he got happened more often than Mark wanted to admit. Donghyuck loved skinship, and he loved joking around, and sometimes he would call Mark cute or adorable or funny, and he’d dote on him over the smallest things, and the older boy saw the sparkle in Donghyuck’s eyes whenever he would tease Mark. And each time those things happened, the feeling would bubble up again. It would come and go, and when it came, he wished for it to go away before he blushed too obviously, and when it would go, he wished for Donghyuck to do something that would bring it back again.

 

_I just miss Jeno. I’m just craving affection,_ Mark told himself as he laid in bed, wishing for the time when Donghyuck was by his side again. 

 

He thought of texting Jeno but decided against it.

 

He rolled over and went to sleep instead.

 

—

 

“Mark, that… seriously doesn’t sound platonic,” Jaehyun said with a chuckle.

 

Jaehyun was Mark’s neighbor, but at this point, it felt like they were blood related. He was the first person Mark officially came out to (to which Jaehyun laughed and said, “yeah, Mark, and the sky is blue”). He went to Jaehyun and his boyfriend Johnny for any advice he could ever need, like the big gay brothers he never had. Since they were home from college for the summer, it was perfect timing just when Mark was having what he defined as “a lowkey highkey crisis.”

 

“What the fuck? Don’t do this to me, I’m gonna see him later. I can’t take this fucking level of stress,” Mark said, panic filling his voice as he paced the room.

 

“Yo, little man, watch the language,” Johnny joked, laying on the floor of Jaehyun’s living room. “Jae’s right, something is definitely not straight here.”

 

“Well, yeah, dipshit, that would be me,” Mark retorted.

 

“Well, maybe it’s not just you. I don’t remember the last time one of my heterosexual dude bros wanted to cuddle me to sleep,” Johnny reasoned.

 

Jaehyun laughed, and Mark felt his face heating up. “I have a boyfriend. I have no clue why I keep getting all worked up over Donghyuck.”

 

At that, Jaehyun’s expression fell a bit, looking like he was trying to figure something out. “Mark. If all it took was a few days without your boyfriend to make you realize you’re interested in someone else…” 

 

Mark refused to let him finish that sentence. “No! No. I love Jeno.” He clenched his fists, halting his pacing for a moment. He hated the pity that filled Jaehyun’s eyes. Mark couldn’t see any reason for Jaehyun to pity him. 

 

Johnny interjected when he saw that Jaehyun clearly had no response. “Of course you love Jeno, but you’re young… There’s more than just Jeno in the world, you know?”

 

“No, I don’t know,” Mark snapped, tone turning defensive. “Donghyuck is my friend. You don’t leave your boyfriend for a friend. And a friend doesn’t steal you from your boyfriend.”

 

Jaehyun spoke up again. “Mark, no one said anything about you breaking up with Jeno. Just… Don’t be difficult, man. I thought I’d marry my first boyfriend too, and now I’m with this loser.”

 

Johnny and Jaehyun started bickering at that final comment, and Mark was only capable of standing there, tuning them out. He was too confused by his own thoughts to listen to the two of them. It wasn’t like he had made some majestic confession of feelings about Donghyuck. All he said was that they had spent the past few days together and that he kept getting _that_ feeling. Mark cursed himself, knowing he was too easy to read, too easy for the pair to see that there was more to it than Mark was letting on.

 

Mark had a lot of friends, and never once had he felt this way towards any of them. He knew it was weird, and he thought maybe, subconsciously, he had avoided Donghyuck for the past few months because of it. Because of the way Donghyuck treated him and the way it made butterflies overtake his stomach.

 

On his way to Donghyuck’s house, he texted Jeno a quick “I love you.”

 

—

 

“Mark hyung,” Donghyuck said as the pair walked to the convenience store near Donghyuck’s house. His tone was inquisitive, and the pause he took made Mark’s heart rate speed up. “I have a question.”

 

Four words no one ever wants to hear, especially not Mark. Especially not from Donghyuck at this very moment in time. “What’s that?” he replied, walking slightly ahead of the other boy and not daring to look at him.

 

“Well, how did you know you loved Jeno?” Of all the questions he could’ve possibly chosen to ask, that was the last one Mark wanted to discuss at that moment in time.

 

“Uh… Isn’t that, like, a question you ask your parents?”

 

Donghyuck laughed, but he was unapologetic, sure of himself. “Parents are old. You’re young.” _You’re young._ That comment had already been made once that day, and hearing it again didn’t exactly give him any positive reminders.

 

“I just…” Mark looked at Donghyuck, who had caught up to him, now walking right by his side. He felt nervous, opening up to him (or trying to). “I don’t know. I’ve just,” he wavered before the next word, “loved Jeno since I was a kid. I don’t know how to explain it.”

 

Donghyuck pouted, clearly unsatisfied with his answer. “You’re not much of a romantic, Mark Lee.”

 

“I’m aware,” he scoffed. “I, uh…” Mark didn’t want to ask, but he had to. Hesitantly, he went on, feeling Donghyuck’s eyes on him, expectant. “Why’d you ask?”

 

“I’ve just always wondered,” he admitted with a chuckle. “It’s cool that you’re in love.”

 

Mark laughed, a long, loud laugh. He had to stop walking for a second just to laugh, doubling over. “What the hell, man? That’s the first time I’ve ever gotten that.”

 

“Stop laughing! It wasn’t even funny,” Donghyuck said, shoving him just a little bit.

 

Mark composed himself, starting to walk towards the store again. “Sorry, sorry, it just sounds ridiculous when you say it like that. And you’re normally the first person to make fun of me and Jeno.”

 

“Well,” Donghyuck said, “love is nice.”

 

Mark raised his eyebrows at him. “Oh, really? And what do you know about love?”

 

“Don’t be patronizing,” he said, feigning annoyance. “I know plenty.”

 

The older boy threw his head back, bellowing out another laugh. “How’s that?”

 

“My Gemini ass _is_ capable of feeling love, you know.”

 

Mark gasped, playful as he teased Donghyuck. “For anyone other than yourself?” Even Donghyuck had to laugh at that remark.

 

“Yes, I know,” he replied, putting his hand on his heart. “The king of the world, showering his love upon the mere lowly people around him. It’s hard to believe.”

 

Mark rolled his eyes. “You’re ridiculous. No… insufferable. You’re insufferable.”

 

“Be nice, you should be grateful,” Donghyuck retorted, opening the door of the convenience store.

 

“For what?” Mark replied. “Your insufferable presence?”

 

Donghyuck looked back at him, incredulity on his face. “You are painfully oblivious. How cute.”

 

“What?” Mark said, voice raising in pitch as he followed him into the store. He thanked God that Donghyuck was too busy looking for what snacks to buy to see his face turning red at the cute comment. 

 

“Oh, nothing, Mark Lee,” Donghyuck said happily. “Just choose a snack.”

 

—

 

Mark never got an answer to what he should be grateful for, but being around Donghyuck was constant entertainment, and that was enough to make him forget about it. The snacks they had bought were for their movie night, and Donghyuck had insisted that he was brave enough to watch some scary movie he found on Netflix.

 

He was wrong.

 

“Donghyuck, do you have to scream _directly_ into my ear?”

 

“Well, I’m sorry, you’re right next to me!” he snapped.

 

“Yeah, only because you keep hiding your head behind my shoulder,” Mark countered. He didn’t mind it, but he wasn’t about to let that be known. 

 

Donghyuck was about to respond, but he was interrupted by another jump scare, to which he reacted with a shriek and his head buried into Mark’s shoulder. Mark giggled, instinctively running his hand through Donghyuck’s hair to comfort him.

 

“Sorry,” he mumbled, chuckling at himself just a bit. 

 

The next time Donghyuck jumped at something, his hand found Mark’s, and Mark swore it was completely normal and fine and platonic for him to feel like he had an electric current running through him, starting from his fingertips. Their hands stayed intertwined, and every time Donghyuck got scared, he squeezed Mark’s hand. Sometimes he’d scream so loud that he’d laugh at himself afterwards. That made Mark’s heart skip a beat. And for a split second, he wondered why, but he refused to explain it. _It can wait_. That’s what he told himself.

 

By the time the movie was over, it was dark outside, and even though Mark hadn’t been as audibly scared of the movie as Donghyuck, he didn’t exactly want to walk home by himself. He didn’t say anything as he got up to go. 

 

Like he could read his mind, Donghyuck said something instead. “Hyung,” he whined. “Maybe you should stay over. Like, you know, in case you’re too scared or something.”

 

A warm feeling started from the very pit of Mark’s stomach, and it spread through his whole body. “In other words, in case _you’re_ too scared.”

 

“No, I don’t get scared,” he replied matter-of-factly. “I just screamed that much to make you feel better.”

 

“That makes no sense,” Mark answered.

 

“You make no sense.”

 

Mark snorted. “Great comeback.” He returned to his spot next to Donghyuck on the couch. “Fine, I’ll stay if you insist.”

 

When they finally decided to go up to Donghyuck’s room to sleep that night, well past midnight, it felt routine for them to both crawl into the same bed, no questions asked, no discussion about it. Donghyuck got under the sheet, and he left a spot for Mark, and it was stuffy and hot in the room, but somehow sleeping close to each other felt ideal. Mark wondered how this already felt so normal. He didn’t mind.

 

Not even five minutes after the room had fallen silent, filled with the gentle hum of the fan and the chirps of crickets outside, Donghyuck spoke. “Mark hyung? Are you still awake?” he whispered.

 

“Yeah,” Mark mumbled.

 

“I’m scared.” His tone was somewhere between nervous and pensive, and Mark was so endeared it nearly made him sick.

 

Mark rolled over, eyes meeting Donghyuck’s. “Of what?” His throat felt dry.

 

“That a ghost is gonna come in here and kill us.” Donghyuck let out a chuckle, knowing he sounded absolutely ridiculous, and Mark chuckled along with him. He was cute. So cute that Mark wanted to pepper kisses all over his face and hold him till he wasn’t scared anymore. He, of course, couldn’t.

 

“I told you we shouldn’t have watched that movie,” Mark scolded. 

 

Mark could only faintly see Donghyuck’s face in the dark room, but he could sense the frown in his voice when he replied, “I know,” sounding resigned.

 

When Mark replied again, his tone had softened. “No one’s gonna kill us. I swear.”

 

“You can’t possibly know that,” Donghyuck said, childish, amusement filling his tone. 

 

Donghyuck’s eyes were always sparkling, and they reminded Mark of stars, and he couldn’t help himself anymore. He reached out, running his hand through Donghyuck’s hair softly, over and over again. Donghyuck laid still, so still, watching him, waiting for a response. “I promise, Hyuck.”

 

The younger boy spoke again, more feebly this time. “You can’t pr—,” he began, but Mark cut him off.

 

“Yes, I can.” He paused, scared to go too far, to make things awkward, but he said it anyway. “For you, I can.”

 

Donghyuck watched him, intently. Mark’s heart pounded so hard that the sound filled his ears. He moved his hand from Donghyuck’s hair, for a split second pausing on his cheek, then pulled it away. “You’re being silly,” Donghyuck finally stated.

 

“You’re the one who’s scared of ghosts,” Mark said, turning over again before he did something he regretted. 

 

He dreamt of kissing Donghyuck that night.

 

—

 

Mark knew time apart from Donghyuck would probably calm his dizzied mind, but he couldn’t resist. And not simply because he felt something, but because he had fun with Donghyuck, and he was happy with Donghyuck, and he didn’t care about every little minuscule issue in life when he was with Donghyuck. Mark thought he was better when he was with Donghyuck. He felt better when he was by his side.

 

And he wasn’t lying about it to Jeno. When Jeno asked about his plans for the day, or when he asked what he had done all day, Mark told him the truth. When they talked on the phone, he always wondered if Jeno could hear the excitement in his voice, the happiness. Jeno never seemed to be anything but happy to hear Mark’s plans, and it eased his mind. His boyfriend didn't have an issue with it, so maybe it was alright. Maybe it was normal. It made his guilt subside, just a little bit.

 

Jeno seemed to be the only one of the group that didn’t care about the pair’s sudden closeness. 

 

“Is Donghyuck your replacement boyfriend?” Jisung teased one day when they all were gathered at Jaemin’s house, playing Mario Kart as usual.

 

Chenle squealed with laughter. “Yeah! You two always hang out without us. Why can’t you ever invite us?”

 

“They’re probably making out,” Jisung sneered.

 

Mark’s stomach dropped, feeling like they had just uncovered a secret, some sacred thing that neither of them should’ve known about. It wasn’t true, but Mark truthfully had no real answer as to why the others were never invited.

 

“Mark wishes,” Donghyuck said, eyes focused on the television.

 

“Is that why you’re so red, hyung? Do you looove Mark?” Jisung teased, poking Donghyuck’s sides.

 

“Shut up, you guys. Seriously,” Mark said, trying to keep his voice steady.

 

He regretted saying a word immediately, knowing it would just make them taunt him even more. “Oh, so it’s true?” Chenle remarked.

 

“No, I have a boyfriend.”

 

“But he’s not here, and you’re all lone—,” Jisung said.

 

Mark tried his hardest not to blush, and he was almost positive it wasn’t working. “Fuck off, Jisung. I’m not a fucking cheater.” It wasn’t normal for Mark to snap at his friends, and the air in the room suddenly felt hot.

 

“Mark, he’s kidding. Calm down,” Jaemin reasoned. “We all know that.”

 

Donghyuck shot a glance at Mark, worry in his eyes. “You guys. It’s insulting that you think I’d lower my standards like that,” Donghyuck said, smoothing over the situation and smiling a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

 

Mark took a sharp breath in.

 

When Jaemin told Mark to help him with something in the kitchen later on, Mark thought nothing of it. Not until Jaemin started talking, never quite looking at Mark as he grabbed food from the pantry. “I hope nothing’s going on, Mark.”

 

“What?” Mark replied, puzzled as he struggled to hold all the cans of soda he had gotten from the fridge.

 

Jaemin sighed. “Like, what Chenle and Jisung said.” He turned to look at Mark, concern written all over his face. “Nothing’s happening, right?”

 

“What? No! Jaemin, no. Absolutely not,” he shook his head, maybe denying it too much. He knew he wasn’t technically lying, but it felt like he was. _You’re just omitting details, Mark. It’s okay._

 

Jaemin grinned, his classic Jaemin smile, and Mark felt like slightly less like a lying piece of shit. “Okay, I knew you would never do something like that, anyway. Sorry for asking.”

 

Guilt overcame him, but all he could do was smile back at Jaemin. 

 

—

 

Mark knew in his heart that everything about the way he was feeling was wrong, but somehow, trying to force it away, trying to push it deep within the depths of him where no one could ever find it, only made his feelings stronger. 

 

Mark tried to lie to himself, the way he had lied to Jaemin. It didn’t work. Especially not when every time he saw Jaehyun or Johnny, the subject of Donghyuck just had to be brought up. Or when every time he got home from Donghyuck’s house, his mom was just beaming, curious about what they had done and ecstatic to see that they were getting closer. And Mark could feel the smile on his face when he would tell her about him, and he couldn’t seem to make it go away.

 

Part of him wanted Jeno to return fast, to make him feel some type of normalcy again, but part of him dreaded the day Jeno got home, knowing things would change. He wasn’t ready for that.

 

“Mark,” Donghyuck cooed one day as he laid on the couch in Mark’s living room.

 

“Mm?” Mark hummed, sitting on the floor, distracted by something he was reading on his phone.

 

Donghyuck waited a second, then spoke. “What’s your biggest dream?”

 

Mark chuckled, looking over to him. “Why do you always ask me shit like this, man?”

 

“Why do you always have trouble answering shit like this, man?” Donghyuck retorted, not missing a beat. A smile crept onto the corners of his mouth.

 

Mark opened his mouth to speak, then pouted, thinking. “Well,” he began, “I want to be a journalist.” He waited for Donghyuck to call him boring or predictable or lame, remembering the time Renjun said he wanted to be an artist and how much Donghyuck had teased him. Donghyuck wasn’t mean; he simply took any opportunity to make fun of his friends.

 

“Really?” Donghyuck replied.

 

“Yup.” He braced himself, waiting for the inevitable roast.

 

Donghyuck closed his eyes for a second. “Mark Lee, world famous journalist and best-selling author,” he said, eyes still closed and cheeks glowing as he smiled. “I like it,” he commented, finally looking to Mark again.

 

“Thanks,” Mark replied, cheeks turning just the faintest tinge of pink. “Seems like a bit of an exaggeration, though.”

 

“Why?” Donghyuck said, sitting up. “You’re smart. And I bet you’re a good writer.”

 

“You don’t know that, though.”

 

Donghyuck seemed to consider that, then spoke again. “I don’t have to know for sure, I can just tell.”

 

Mark had that feeling again, the feeling like every part of his body was warm, like he was nervous but couldn’t stop smiling. “Well, what’s your biggest dream, then?” he asked, wishing for the attention to be off of himself.

 

“Don’t laugh at me,” Donghyuck said. “If I tell you, you can’t laugh at me.”

 

Mark lifted a brow, intrigued. “It can’t possibly be that bad.”

 

“It’s not bad, just… You wouldn’t expect it,” he said, a shy smile on his face.

 

“Shoot. I promise I won’t laugh.”

 

“You laugh at everything, Mark Lee.” _Fair point._

 

Mark sighed, shaking his head. “Just tell me, Donghyuck.”

 

Mark could see the wheels turning in Donghyuck’s head, carefully considering it for a moment. He nodded at him, reassuring, urging him to speak. “Fine. I want to be a singer. Not like it would ever happen or anything, I know it sounds ridiculous. It’s just… I don’t know. I like singing.” He was rambling, just a little bit, and Mark smirked, thinking Donghyuck was spending just a little too much time with him. 

 

“Hey!” Donghyuck said when he noticed the smirk. “You promised you wouldn’t laugh!”

 

“I wasn’t! I just smiled!” He rubbed the back of his neck, the smile on his face growing. “I’ve just never seen you rambling like that. It’s… Honestly, it’s adorable.”

 

Donghyuck pursed his lips, forcing his grin to subside. “Whatever, Mark Lee.” 

 

“Well… You can’t just tell me that and then _not_ sing for me,” Mark stated, matter-of-fact.

 

He started shaking his head. “No. I didn’t make you write for me!”

 

“That’s different, and you know it!”

 

Donghyuck did know it. He sighed, pouting at Mark. 

 

“You wouldn’t have said it if you didn’t wanna sing for me,” Mark said with a smirk. And with the way Donghyuck laughed, so hard it almost made Mark’s head spin, dizzy with infatuation, he knew he was right.

 

“You know me too well. Fine.”

 

Mark's stomach churned, feeling like he was about to be let in on a big secret, an important one. He had no clue what to expect — he had never heard Donghyuck singing, he had never even heard the topic of singing leaving Donghyuck’s mouth. For all he knew, Donghyuck could've just been joking with him. 

 

Without announcement, he began. Soft, slow, quiet, eyes squeezed shut as he sat on the couch singing. For Mark. Some song Mark didn’t recognize. And even if he recognized it, it wouldn’t have mattered because Mark knew even if it was his favorite song in the world, it still would’ve been different being sung by the boy in front of him.

 

And Mark’s heart skipped a beat, and his stomach was in knots. Because, as if Donghyuck couldn’t become more of a ray of light, Mark now knew that he had the voice of an angel. It was light and clear and pure and beautiful and _sweet_. He couldn’t believe that voice was coming from that boy, but he knew he shouldn’t have been shocked. _Donghyuck was, in so many ways, the best._ Mark had always known that.

 

Mark watched him in amazement, as the sun flowed through the room and hit him in the most beautiful way, as the world seemed to stand still while he sang. Slowly, he opened his eyes, and Mark’s throat felt dry. He nodded at him encouragingly, and Donghyuck smiled, and Mark couldn’t help but notice that when the smile filled his voice, it was even more enchanting. His voice grew louder, stronger, more confident, and Mark was so endeared, blush overtaking his cheeks so intensely that he had to look away every so often.

 

He knew then. He realized then that, no matter how much he wanted to resist feeling something more for Donghyuck, it wouldn’t go away. The more he pushed it down, the stronger the feeling would become. Part of him felt free, admitting that to himself.

 

When Donghyuck was finished, he let out a small, embarrassed giggle. “What’d you think, hyung?”

 

Mark opened his mouth to reply, but in all honesty, he wasn’t sure of what he could possibly say. Something that properly summed up how incredible Donghyuck was without sounding too completely infatuated with him. 

 

Donghyuck giggled again, cheeks red at how flustered Mark appeared. “Amazing? Spectacular? Just the best thing you’ve ever heard?” _Yes. Yes. Yes, absolutely._

 

“It… You were… That was really good, Donghyuck,” Mark managed to say, wishing to say more but feeling incapable, feeling like his throat was dry.

 

Somehow, someway, Donghyuck was pleased by the lackluster reaction, his whole face overcome with a grin. “Thanks,” he said, laying down again. “Promise to write a piece about me when you’re a world-renowned journalist and I’m an internationally famous superstar?”

 

“Of course,” Mark replied. _About a million._

 

—

 

“I wish I could be home for the party tonight,” Jeno whined on the other end of the phone. “Don’t tell Donghyuck I said that, though. It’ll inflate his ego.”

 

Mark chuckled at the thought of Donghyuck, strolling slowly on the way to his house. “Trust me, I won’t. He doesn’t need that.”

 

Mark could hear Jeno faintly laughing. “No, he really doesn’t.” Jeno paused, long enough for Mark to wonder if he was still on the line.

 

It was a warm night, and the sun was setting. Mark was happy, and for a split second, he almost felt guilty that he was so happy without Jeno being there with him.

 

“You there?” Mark said after a moment.

 

Jeno cleared his throat. “Yeah…” he trailed off. “Mark, I’ve been meaning to ask you about something.”

 

Mark’s pace slowed a bit, worry levels rising. “Mhm?”

 

“Well… I’m not mad or anything, okay? Promise you won’t take this as me being mad or jealous or something,” Jeno explained. Mark’s stomach dropped just a bit at “jealous.” 

 

“I promise. Really. Just tell me.”

 

“I just feel like you’ve spent the whole time I’ve been gone with Donghyuck, and it doesn’t bother me… Well, actually, maybe _I’m_ a little jealous, and I miss you, and uh, I don’t know. I don’t really have anything to ask you about it actually, I just… needed to tell you. I figured it’d be worse to keep that from you, right?” Jeno said. 

 

And Mark felt so, so guilty because he could still hear kindness in Jeno’s voice, and he still sounded so positive, and he had no clue Mark was, what Mark would define, a terrible, awful, shitty person who has feelings for someone other than his boyfriend.

 

“I’m sorry,” Mark said, because that was all he could really think of saying. “I’m sorry if I made you feel weird or jealous or annoyed.”

 

“No, I know you would never do that on purpose. I just wanted to keep things honest with you. I feel better letting you know,” he replied happily.

 

_Honest._ The word made Mark a little sick, and a little part of him wanted to run all the way back to his house and ditch the party just so he wouldn’t have to face the inevitable truth in the form of Lee Donghyuck. 

 

“Okay, I understand. And I miss you too, for the record,” Mark said. And it was the truth, but maybe for the wrong reasons. Mark had always been honest to the point of excess, and now he felt like a fraud. Maybe he missed the normalcy, the monotony that he had before Jeno left. He knew he loved Jeno, but he also knew that things had changed, and the world felt a lot less certain to him now. Maybe it was the certainty Mark missed the most.

 

His heart ached at the sound of Jeno laughing, so unaware of how ashamed Mark felt on the other end of the line. “I love you, Mark hyung. Go have fun at the party, okay? And I’ll see you tomorrow!”

 

“I love you, Jeno. I’ll talk to you later.”

 

Mark spent the rest of his walk feeling burdened, feeling like he didn’t want to see anyone.

 

He smiled again the moment he saw Donghyuck.

 

—

 

Mark wasn’t good at breaking rules in any way, shape, or form, let alone breaking laws. But when Donghyuck pulled him out of the pool and said he had managed to take some of his dad’s beers, he was in a mood that made it impossible for him to reject the idea. And impossible to reject that little glimmer of mischief in Donghyuck’s eyes.

 

“I only told you, Jaemin, and Renjun,” he explained as he dragged Mark up to his room where he had the stash hidden. “I’m not about to corrupt the little boys.” He turned to smile at Mark, and there was the feeling again. _No nerves around Donghyuck._

 

Under his bed, Donghyuck had a few beers hidden in an old duffle bag. “And you’re sure your dad won’t notice?” Mark asked as the younger boy handed him a can.

 

“No, at this point, he’s too drunk to keep track of that,” Donghyuck said with a chuckle. “Just drink it before Chenle and Jisung start wondering where we went.”

 

Mark took one sip and nearly spat it back out but managed to choke it down. “Donghyuck, this is warm. And gross.”

 

Donghyuck laughed, maybe a little too hard as he watched Mark in amusement. “The fact that it’s warm is my fault. But the gross part… Sorry, hyung, that’s just beer.” 

 

Mark knew dealing with feelings using alcohol was wrong. Of course that wasn’t the answer. But sneaking around with Donghyuck, feeling even the slightest thrill with him, it was making him dizzy. He knew getting drunk for the first time would, essentially, only make him dizzier, but he didn’t seem to factor that into the equation.

 

“Fuck it,” Mark declared. He hated the taste, and his stomach felt funny even after a few sips, but he polished off the entire can before Donghyuck was even halfway done his. 

 

“Jesus Christ,” Donghyuck said, watching Mark in wonder as he put the empty can down on the desk in Donghyuck’s room.

 

Mark burped, already feeling slightly gross. “Another.”

 

By the time the two had returned downstairs and found their friends again, they were each done three beers, and Mark was very quickly discovering that he was easily the lightest lightweight of the whole group.

 

“Goddamn,” Jaemin said with a giggle, “did you give him hard liquor?”

 

Donghyuck shook his head. “No, I swear, he just started chugging beer.” 

 

Mark was sitting on a lawn chair, giggling about nothing and everything all at once. “I…” he interrupted himself with a burp. “I can’t really hold my drink, huh?”

 

“No, you can’t,” Renjun replied.

 

“You better hold it together, Mark Lee,” Donghyuck stated. Any attempt for Mark to take him seriously was squandered by his smile. “I don't want my parents to notice.”

 

“Or Chenle and Jisung,” Jaemin said. 

 

The two youngest were still in the pool, the last two left in there despite it having been dark for awhile. “Those two are oblivious,” Renjun commented.

 

“I wanna swim too!” Mark exclaimed. He stood up, and with the way his head was spinning, he knew that was not a possibility. “Ooh… Never mind…” he mumbled. 

 

Donghyuck laughed, and Mark couldn’t help but think that sound was the prettiest sound he had ever heard. He looked over to the younger boy, watching how he still glowed even under the moonlight alone, and the spinning intensified, along with his heart’s pounding. 

 

“You don’t look too good, Mark,” Jaemin commented.

 

Mark groaned. “I’m gonna puke.” He hadn’t drank much at all, but his stomach was so unsettled, and the amount of nausea he felt was enough to consume his whole body. He made a bee-line for the bathroom, opting for the one upstairs so people were less likely to catch him hurling.

 

When he got to the bathroom and leaned over the toilet, Mark wondered why the fuck people voluntarily did this. He hated it already. He hated feeling like he wasn’t being himself, like he had less control than normal. The thought of Donghyuck crept into his head, and a wave of nausea hit him instantaneously, making him expel every last thing in his stomach. 

 

Mark moved to the sink afterwards, splashing cold water all over his face and drinking some of it too. Looking in the mirror, he realized that any amount of puking wouldn’t change the fact that he was drunk, and he plopped himself down on the bathroom floor, back against the wall. He was tired. And, if he was being honest with himself, he felt even shittier emotionally than he felt physically.

 

Every thought that had swirled into his mind that night was about Donghyuck. Not Jeno. _There’s more than just Jeno in the world_ — Johnny’s words replayed in his head, and the room started spinning more than before. He wanted so badly to be angry at Johnny or Jaehyun or even Donghyuck, but he was mad at himself. 

 

_Jeno left, and within a few hours, you were at Donghyuck’s house_ , he thought, lecturing himself in his head. _You’re terrible. You’re a terrible boyfriend._

 

He groaned, squeezing his eyes shut, wishing he could disappear. In his drunken state, he couldn’t push his feelings down. The feelings were there, full force, and what he felt towards Donghyuck was more than just friendship. He already knew that, even after such a short amount of time. It had hit him faster than he wanted to admit, and it was changing all the things that he thought were set in stone. His chest began to feel tighter as his eyes filled with tears, stinging, threatening to fall. 

 

Mark gave his best effort to regain composure, but it was harder than normal when he was drunk, and the more he tried to take deep breaths, the more jagged his breathing became. When he opened his eyes, everything looked warped, and he wasn’t sure if it was from the alcohol or not. He was practically panting, and the room suddenly felt 10 degrees hotter. 

 

“Mark? Are you in there?” he heard a small voice saying from outside. Donghyuck. Tears started dripping down his cheeks at that moment.

 

He tried wiping his eyes, but it was useless. The tears were falling too fast, and he was shaking. “Yeah,” he choked out, sniffing. 

 

“Are you crying?” Donghyuck said. “Unlock the door. Please.”

 

Mark didn’t have any fight in him, and he was scared. His chest was so tight, and nothing around him even felt real. He crawled over to the door, unlocking it. “Come in,” he said as he took his spot against the wall again. 

 

The first emotion Mark could read on Donghyuck’s face was shock, which quickly turned into something indecipherable. He knelt down in front of the other boy. “Mark. What happened?” His words dragged out, and Mark couldn’t tell if it was just him or if it was because Donghyuck was a little drunk too.

 

“I…” Mark tried to explain, but there was no way for him to explain his sudden rush of emotions. Not without sounding crazy or saying way too much. He let out a sob, breathing jaggedly, and Donghyuck grabbed his shaking hands.

 

“Mark. Listen to me,” he said. “Just listen to me.” His eyes, calm and steady, met Mark’s, full of fear. “This will pass. I promise.” 

 

Donghyuck moved his hands to Mark’s face, the warmth keeping Mark from absolutely losing touch of reality. “I’m gonna count to three. 1, 2, 3, exhale. 1, 2, 3, inhale. Okay?” If Donghyuck was drunk, he was hiding it well. He started to count, carefully pacing his words. Even when Mark’s breathing would hitch, even when a stray sob would slip out, Donghyuck would nod his head, reassuring him that it would be okay. 

 

Mark forced himself to listen to Donghyuck, to keep count with him. To bar all the thoughts of Jeno and everything else from his mind. Just him and Donghyuck. That was the only way for him to keep a semblance of calm. 

 

Donghyuck didn’t stop until Mark was breathing normal and no longer shaking. “Good,” Donghyuck whispered, wiping a few stray tears off Mark’s face with his thumbs. “See? You’re fine.” He paused for a second, breathing deep himself, moving his hands back to Mark’s hands. “Would you like to tell me what happened?” 

 

Mark shook his head, forcing out a chuckle. “Anxiety and alcohol don’t mix very well.”

 

Donghyuck hummed, thoughtful. “You need to drink water, hyung.” He started to pull away, but Mark squeezed his hands tighter.

 

“No, stay here,” Mark said, quiet. The alcohol left in his system was making him act different, and he felt more brave, even after the whole ordeal. “Stay,” he repeated.

 

Donghyuck’s eyes sparkled even more than usual, glassy from drinking, and Mark couldn’t look away. “I was gonna get you water,” he said.

 

“I don’t… I don’t need it. Stay with me,” Mark whispered. He moved his hands to Donghyuck’s face, fingers gently lying on his cheeks. Donghyuck stayed silent, searching Mark’s face for something, some sort of explanation for how he was acting. “Thanks… for taking care of me,” Mark said, so soft Donghyuck could hardly hear it. His thumb caressed Donghyuck’s cheek affectionately. 

 

Mark watched as Donghyuck’s cheeks turned the faintest shade of red. “It was nothing, really,” he replied, voice shaking almost enough to go unnoticed. Mark noticed.

 

He moved closer, their faces just inches apart. “You never have to feel nervous around me,” Mark whispered. 

 

If Jeno was the angel on Mark’s shoulder, then Donghyuck was the devil, and Mark wanted to do something that felt wrong, even just once. More than anything, he wanted to kiss him. That’s all he felt he wanted to do in that very moment. Donghyuck’s eyes were filled with an emotion he had never seen in them before, something looking like nerves and fear and confusion. 

 

Mark looked at his lips. 

 

More than anything. He wanted to kiss him.

 

He moved closer again, and Donghyuck didn’t pull away. Mark closed his eyes, knowing what he was about to do was very, very bad. Knowing that he’d do it anyway. All the monotony of his life seemed to vanish in his dumb, drunken stupor. And just when he was about to close the last centimeter between them, Donghyuck was suddenly pushing him away.

 

“Mark hyung,” he said, pain in his voice as he stood up. “You have a boyfriend. I’m _not_ him.” 

 

Mark craved the warmth of Donghyuck’s skin under his fingertips again, and the sudden change in mood dizzied him. “But…”

 

“No,” Donghyuck said. “Maybe you… You just shouldn’t stay over tonight.”

 

He walked out of the bathroom, not even bothering to shut the door behind him, and Mark was alone, instantly more sober and guilty than before.

 

—

 

By the time Jaehyun and Johnny arrived at Donghyuck’s house, the buzz of being drunk had left Mark’s body, and all that remained was nausea and the slight throbbing of a soon-to-be awful headache.

 

“Okay, what the hell happened that required us to stop what we were doing and pick you up at midnight?” Johnny grumbled from the passenger seat as Mark got in the back. He felt like a little kid, ready to be lectured.

 

Mark sighed. “I told you on the phone. I’m just an idiot.”

 

“Nope, not good enough,” Jaehyun said, pulling out of Donghyuck’s driveway. “I’m letting you stay at my house tonight and not saying a word to your parents. Can you just tell us what happened?” Mark knew Jaehyun rarely would force him to talk about something he didn’t want to talk about, and he owed an explanation to Jaehyun.

 

“Fine,” he said, resigned as he slouched down in the back seat. “I got kinda drunk, and then I puked, and I, uh… well, I started panicking, and Donghyuck found me… and uh, well, I… I tried to kiss him? Kinda? Well, yeah, actually, not kinda, I was like a centimeter away from his face… And then he basically told me that I needed to stop and that I couldn’t stay over,” Mark rambled, talking faster than usual. He groaned afterwards, deciding it sounded even worse when he said it out loud.

 

Johnny chuckled, somehow entertained by the situation. “How much did you drink?”

 

“Three beers.” Johnny’s laughter intensified at that. “No, wait! It was really quick, though! Johnny, shut up!” Mark defended his low alcohol tolerance, voice raising in pitch.

 

“Whatever, that’s not what matters,” Jaehyun interjected. “Although that really is kinda pathetic, Mark,” he went on, letting out a small giggle. “Not to stress you out, but are you gonna tell Jeno?”

 

“That question is basically the reason I had the panic attack,” Mark muttered, idly staring out the window. “I have to, but then I’m just entirely fucked, huh? No Jeno, no Donghyuck, and with my shitty luck, all my friends will be done with me, too.”

 

“I mean, realistically, everyone’s gonna be pissed at you for a little while,” Jaehyun replied.

 

When Mark started grumbling in the back seat, Johnny spoke up. “Time heals all wounds, though… Right, little man?”

 

“Don’t make him feel better for cheating on his boyfriend,” Jaehyun said, momentarily diverting his attention from the road to shoot daggers at Johnny with his eyes. _Cheating on his boyfriend._ Mark winced at the reality of those words hitting him like a ton of bricks.

 

“I’m not, Jae, but they’re kids. They’ll get over it.” 

 

“I think you tend to forget that 17 years old is not comparable to 4 years old,” Jaehyun retorted, making Johnny seem to cower a bit. “Mark’s 17, he has control of his actions.” Jaehyun paused for a moment, letting the soft sound of the radio fill the air for a moment. “Sorry, Mark.”

 

“No, you’re right,” Mark said, quieter than he intended. “I did a terrible thing. I’m a terrible person for it,” he went on, voice quivering a bit as he went on. He swallowed hard and closed his eyes, forcing back tears.

 

Jaehyun sighed, taking a moment to think. “You’re not a terrible person, Mark. Maybe the situation is terrible, but you’re not.”

 

“Thought we weren’t gonna make him feel better,” Johnny added playfully.

 

Jaehyun glanced at him. “Shut up.” As he slowed to stop at a stop sign, he looked back at Mark. Mark felt small under his glance, like a child being scolded. He half-expected Jaehyun to tell him, “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.” Jaehyun went on. “You fucked up, but you can handle it. You’re a smart kid. Really.” Mark looked away, unable to fathom how he could possibly handle it at this current moment.

 

“Even Saint Jaehyun has done worse before. It’s okay.” Johnny laughed at his own comment, and even Jaehyun let out a small chuckle too. Mark just closed his eyes and waited silently until they were at Jaehyun’s house, where he could finally sleep and at least attempt to forget what he had (nearly) done.

 

—

 

Any attempt at forgetting was squandered when Mark woke up a few hours later, laying on the floor of Jaehyun’s room with a feeling of nausea that only intensified when he saw two texts from Jeno.

 

**Jeno:**

[9:14 AM] I’ll be home in a few hours!!

[9:15 AM] Hope u had fun last night :)

 

Mark’s stomach turned, and he groaned, getting up reluctantly to find Johnny and Jaehyun.

 

“You alright, champ?” Johnny asked as Mark walked into the kitchen. Mark figured he looked a bit of a mess considering Johnny’s comment and the snicker that followed it, but he didn’t have the will to care within him.

 

“Not quite,” Mark said, sitting down at the table. “Jeno’s gonna be home soon.”

 

Jaehyun stared at Mark from behind his coffee mug, and Mark couldn’t help but think he fit the strict father role just a bit too well. “And what do you plan on doing?” he said as he put his mug down.

 

“Oh, Jae, fuck off! Do you think you’re the Godfather or something?” Johnny exclaimed from beside him, giving Jaehyun a little shove. 

 

“No, it’s fine,” Mark replied. His voice got a little quieter. “I’m, uh, gonna tell Jeno I have to talk to him when he gets home. I’ll go crazy if I don’t tell him right away.”

 

Mark thought of all the texts in the world he would hate to receive, and near the top was the classic “we need to talk.” A pang of guilt filled his stomach knowing he’d have to say that to Jeno — among other terrible things — and he grimaced at the notion. Mark was able to admit to himself that he was no good at breaking bad news to people, and he knew he’d be lucky to get through the event without his second panic attack within the course of 24 hours. But he also knew that there was no way to lie about it, no way to hide what had happened. If he didn’t tell him, it would be obvious something was wrong, and someone would spill eventually regardless.

 

After much thought about the most perfect message possible, he pressed send.

 

Jeno, we really really need to talk when you get home..

Text me when you get back [10:04 AM]

 

Still, after all the guilt that tortured his mind, Mark still couldn’t help but feel empty at the lack of messages from Donghyuck. He cursed himself, knowing it should’ve been the last thing to cross his mind, and yet there it was. And it lingered.

 

— 

 

It even lingered as he walked to Jeno’s house.

 

In all honesty, Mark wished he could confess to his evil, disgusting, immoral, unfaithful ways through a letter or telepathy or literally any way other than going to Jeno’s house just to crush him. He strolled slowly, every muscle in his body tight with worry as he gnawed on his nails (and all the skin surrounding his nails). The hot summer sun wasn’t helping his sweaty, nauseated situation, and more often than he liked to admit, he’d squint at his phone hoping for “Donghyuck (1)” to pop up on his home screen.

 

It never did.

 

The closer he got to Jeno’s house, the more he wished he could run home and never see Jeno — or anyone else — ever again. Mark knew much better than that, and despite how shitty he felt, Mark knew he was a better person than that. _You can make the best out of a messy situation, kid. I know you can do that._ Those words, the words Johnny had said to him right before he made his way to Jeno’s, filled his mind as he knocked on Jeno’s front door. He breathed in deep, shoving his phone in his pocket and trying to quell the trembles that had started to overtake his body.

 

If Jeno couldn’t sense that something was wrong from the text Mark had sent, he sure as hell got the hint the second he opened the door. Jeno tried to force a smile, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. Mark’s stomach dropped.

 

“Are you okay?” Jeno said, concern filling his voice.

 

Mark was fully aware that he looked like pure shit, and he was even more aware that he was terrible at hiding how he felt. He pursed his lips — idly remembering how Donghyuck pointed that out as his nervous tick — and shook his head, already feeling a lump forming in his throat. Jeno immediately pulled him through the door and embraced him, and Mark felt queasy with guilt, taking in Jeno’s familiar scent and wishing things were different, how they used to be.

 

Mark held Jeno close for a moment, burying his face into the younger boy’s shoulder and breathing in hard. He adored Jeno — nothing had changed that fact. He couldn’t believe that there was someone he adored more than him, someone he felt more strongly about than him, but somehow the universe had screwed him over. His breath was jagged against Jeno’s shoulder, and Jeno pulled away a bit, kissing him on the cheek.

 

Mark looked at him, feeling small, weak. “Can we… Can we go up to your room?”

 

Jeno nodded, and Mark felt like his legs would give out as Jeno guided him up to his room, hand in hand, wishing he didn’t have to tell him what had happened while he was gone. Wishing he hadn’t started feeling the way he did.

 

Mark found a familiar spot on Jeno’s bed once they were in the room, legs crossed and Jeno sitting across from him, clutching both his hands. He avoided eye contact just for a few moments, taking in the room, the posters on the wall and the pictures on the desk and the view outside the window. 

 

“Mark. Whatever it is, just tell me.” His tone was tranquil, and as always, Jeno’s kindness was enough to calm the storm that was raging inside of him. He wished Jeno wasn’t so unbearably kind, not when Mark knew he deserved to be treated like dirt.

 

He inhaled, squeezing Jeno’s hands tighter even though his own palms were getting sweatier by the moment. “I’m… I… There’s no easy way for me to say this. For starters, you’re gonna hate me, and that’s okay. I get it.”

 

“No, I’ll never hate you. Really, Mark hyung,” Jeno gave him a tiny smile, just enough for Mark’s stomach to stop churning for a second. “You know I love you.”

 

“I love you, too. You need to know that, Jeno, you really do,” Mark’s voice cracked at the last few words, and he felt his eyes starting to sting with tears. He didn’t bother to wipe them away when they began falling; he didn’t want to let go of Jeno’s hands. 

 

“Jeno, I’m being honest with you _because_ I love you and you’re so important to me,” he said, sniffling before he started the real confession. His heartbeat filled his ears, and he ached at the sight of worry in Jeno’s eyes. “Okay. I… I’m just gonna spit it out because I broke your trust, like, really bad. Like, literally right after we talked about it.” Tears fell faster as Mark recalled the phone call they had before the party, knowing Jeno already had felt insecure because of Donghyuck. “I spent a lot of time with Donghyuck…”

 

“Donghyuck,” Jeno whispered, an air of disbelief in his tone. His expression dropped a little, and Mark’s stomach dropped along with it. He felt suffocated, like he would scream if he didn’t just say it.

 

“I spent a lot of time with him,” Mark said again, holding Jeno’s hands tighter, this time for fear of him pulling away. “And I felt something, and, oh my God, I’m terrible, I know this,” he went on, tears covering his cheeks. “I started feeling something, more than what friends feel for their friends, and I tried so hard to push it away, but clearly not hard enough…”

 

Jeno’s face remained the same, slightly shocked but somehow still calm, and it scared Mark even more. He rambled on. “Jeno, I love you so much, but last night I got drunk like an idiot, and I tried to kiss Donghyuck — once again, like an idiot — but he pulled away before I could, and he definitely hates me now,” Mark said, letting out a sob. “And more importantly, you’ll hate me now, and everyone will hate me now. And look at me, I’m crying like a baby.” Mark closed his eyes, and Jeno tugged his hands away. Mark could hear him pulling a tissue out of the box by his nightstand, and his heart ached at the fact that Jeno could manage to show compassion in any way after what he had just told him.

 

“Here. Take this,” Jeno cooed, handing over the tissue. “Just take a few deep breaths.”

 

“How can you say that? How can you try to calm me down after that?” Mark whimpered. “Shouldn’t you be screaming at me? Just do that, Jeno, it’ll feel better than this.”

 

Jeno thought for a second, mindlessly playing with a loose string on his comforter. “I’m not gonna scream at you, Mark. Just tell me this. Do you wish he had kissed you?”

 

Mark patted his eyes with the tissue, attempting to make the tears stop. “Yeah,” he replied, voice weak. “I don’t want to feel that way but I do.”

 

Jeno nodded his head, sighing. For the first time, his eyes got glassy, brimming with tears. “It’s okay, Mark.” He forced a smile, but the tears that started falling told a whole different story. “It’s okay,” he repeated, and Mark knew he was just saying it to comfort himself.

 

“I’m so sorry, Jeno. I didn’t want this, I would never want to hurt you, and I know I did, and I can’t fix it, and I don’t deserve how nice you’re being right now,” Mark rambled. 

 

Jeno seemed to ignore him. “So this is over, isn’t it?” 

 

Mark nodded his head, wishing he could say no. He couldn’t. He knew things wouldn’t ever go back to how they had been just two short weeks ago, and Jeno knew that too. 

 

“Okay,” he stated blankly, trying to wipe away his tears. “I… I just need to be alone now, please.”

 

Mark nodded, getting up from the bed as quickly as he could. “Okay,” he said with a sniffle. “I’m sorry, Jeno. I just… I hope you don’t feel bad about this for too long. Please don’t. I’ll keep my distance for as long as possible.” He walked towards the door. “Really, Jeno, I’m so, so sorry,” he managed to choke out before leaving the room and getting out of the house as fast as he could without Jeno’s family seeing him, face puffy from tears.

 

He cried the whole way home, and when he got home, he laid in bed crying, and he cried himself to sleep at 2 in the afternoon. 

 

—

 

He woke up again when the sun was setting, and he could hardly open his eyes, swollen and stinging from how hard he had cried. He picked up his phone, and his day continued to worsen at the sight of four texts from the scariest person who could possibly contact him at that moment.

 

**Jaemin**

[5:34] You are a fucking asshole and you lied to me

[5:34] Jeno might have been nice to you about this but I sure as fuck won’t be

[5:35] I’m literally sitting in his room listening to him sobbing thanks a lot Mark!!!

[5:36] Don’t fucking try to speak to any of us until we decide to speak to you :)

 

He knew the front Jeno had put up — calm and collected, not entirely torn up by how foolish Mark had been — was just that. A front. But it hurt him to read those words, to know that Jeno was in his room crying the day away because of Mark and his stupid feelings and his stupid decisions. He clearly had lost Jeno’s trust, now Jaemin’s, and he was sure the rest of them were following suit by the sound of Jaemin’s remark about “any of us.” His chest tightened, feeling the gravity of the situation at the realization that “us” also included Donghyuck. 

 

Mark refused to cry again (and he was pretty sure there were no tears left in his body regardless). He threw his phone across the bed and threw the sheets off of himself, trudging to the bathroom as he decided that he needed to take a shower and feel slightly human again. 

 

Even after all the sleep he had gotten, he felt drained. He let the warm water hit him as he stood there motionless, lost in thought. He wondered if things would really be any different if he hadn’t tried to kiss Donghyuck last night. If that would’ve made the situation any better or just simply prolonged the inevitable breakup. In the back of his mind, a little voice told him at least he’d still have Donghyuck if the breakup hadn’t occurred under these circumstances. At least he wouldn’t have simultaneously fucked up things with his boyfriend and… and whatever his relationship to Donghyuck was. His closest friend. His favorite person.

 

_You could’ve waited._ That’s what he told himself. _You could’ve taken it slow, thought things over, broken it off with Jeno for some other reason… A reason that would’ve been hard to find with Jeno being as perfect as he is…_ His thoughts circled and spiraled, finding no easier way to handle the situation. As much as he idealized other options in his mind, he knew that he was himself, and there was no way he could’ve suppressed things for much longer than he did. If anything made him even slightly redeemable, it was the fact that he couldn’t lie.

 

When Mark finally made his way downstairs after his shower, his inability to lie reared its despicable head once again.

 

“What’s wrong, sweetie? You have worry written all over your face,” his mom hummed, setting a heaping plate of food down in front of him. 

 

He groaned in response, slouching his shoulders. “That’s not the first time I’ve been told that,” he said under his breath, thinking back to Donghyuck’s intuition that day outside the ice cream shop.

 

She sat down across the table from him, letting out a quiet sigh. “Did something happen?” 

 

Where lots of mothers would be impatient, pushy even, his mother was kind, sweet, voice full of concern rather than condescension. Mark wished he wasn’t a mama’s boy through and through, wished he could be stoic and reserved like his father, wished he didn’t feel the need to confide in his mother about the awful chain of events that had occurred. He sat there quietly, considering where to begin as he took a huge bite of food.

 

“You have to promise you won’t think I’m the worst person in the world when I tell you,” he said after a moment of silence. All he got in reply was a hum and a slight nod of her head.

 

He told her everything (barring the details about him consuming even a sip of alcohol), starting with the very day she had suggested he hang out with Donghyuck and ending with the texts he had received from Jaemin just a few hours before. He had to stop a few times, just to make sure he didn’t start crying the way he did when he divulged everything to Jeno, just to take deep breaths and force some food into his empty stomach and try to feel some normalcy. His mother listened to every word, silent, never changing her still, serene expression.

 

“So, that’s it,” he said with finality. “You’re the only person left who even slightly enjoys me. Which you probably don’t considering I lost you a future son-in-law who you probably liked more than your actual son.”

 

Her expression finally broke a little as she laughed quietly. “Of course I love you the most. And trust me, I wasn’t thinking about marriage yet. I always knew there was something between you and Donghyuck, anyway,” she said, taking a sip of water as she smiled at Mark.

 

“Mom!” he exclaimed. “What do you mean? Even I didn't know there was _something_ until two weeks ago… And shouldn’t you be mad at me? For being a disgusting human being?”

 

She simply smiled, letting out a hum as she thought. “Of course I think what you did was wrong, sweetheart. You and I both know no one deserves that.”

 

“I know, trust me,” Mark replied glumly. “I wish you’d react more like Jaemin did.”

 

She shook her head. “Mark, I don’t need to do that. You know more than anyone that what you did was wrong. I don’t need to yell at you for you to know that.”

 

He shrugged, casting his eyes down at his empty plate. “Yeah. I’d just feel like I’m getting what I deserve.”

 

“Listen to me,” she said. “You’re gonna have to apologize to some people after everything settles, and things might be different for awhile. But they all love you. Especially Jeno. Time heals all wounds.”

 

“You sound like Johnny,” he scoffed at the last comment.

 

She laughed, grabbing his plate and walking over to the sink. “I always had a good feeling about that Johnny.”

 

Mark got up from his place at the table, ready to spend the night watching TV and attempting to distract himself. “Thanks, Mom. I needed that talk.”

“Any time, honey. And,” she said, turning to look at him, “let me know when you and Donghyuck start talking again.”

 

—

 

A week passed, and they hadn’t started talking again. In fact, no one had even breathed in Mark’s direction. Not Donghyuck, not Jeno, definitely not Jaemin, not any of his other friends. When he wasn’t in his house passing the time by watching marathons of any half-decent show he could find on Netflix, he was bothering Johnny and Jaehyun and their friends.

 

“Do you think you could get your friends back soon?” their friend Yuta said to Mark one night when they were all at Jaehyun’s house. “You’re kinda killing the mood with all your teen angst.” Johnny, the only one left defending him, agreed with that one, too.

 

Even the pair’s quietest friend, Hansol, had to speak up. “You’re 17, and your heart is broken. Welcome to every teen movie in existence, kid,” he said, giving Mark a slightly apologetic look. “No point in beating yourself up over it now.”

 

“They’re right,” Jaehyun said with a nod. “I’d apologize for my friends being slight assholes to you, but you gotta hear it, man.”

 

Mark knew half the reason they essentially kicked him out was so they could smoke weed without feeling guilty for doing it with him around, but he got the message loud and clear. No one really wanted him around, not when he always looked like he was on the verge of tears and when he was constantly contributing nothing but negativity. _Only a week has passed_ , he justified to himself. _You still have every right to mope. Especially when you’re left with no friends._ That last bit always lingered in his mind when he tried to sleep at night. He felt isolated. He _was_ isolated. He had never gone this long without his friends before.

 

Mark’s dad had a lot less patience with the situation than his mom did. “Chin up, Mark,” he said one night when he caught him crying at some cheesy romantic movie on TV. His tone was rough, clearly tired of trying to comfort his son. “If you’re gonna be miserable, might as well be productive.”

 

Mark’s dad had given him the “get a job” speech about a thousand times in the course of the past few months, and Mark ignored him for the most part, citing school and activities and his friends as valid reasons why he was too busy for it. This time, though, he had no excuse, and he knew his dad was right — if he was gonna feel sorry for himself, he might as well do something other than sit around and think about it.

 

By the end of week two of having no social life, Mark had made friends with every old lady in his neighborhood, cleaned their houses, mowed their lawns, eaten all the food they offered him, and made a decent amount of money too. 

 

“That’s kinda sad, Mark,” Jaehyun commented when Mark told him what he had been up to. “You’re essentially spending time with a bunch of grandmas because your friends won’t talk to you,” he said as he took a bite of pizza. “Kinda sad.”

 

“No, it’s entirely sad,” Johnny ridiculed, and Mark remembered why he occasionally wished the two of them weren’t a package deal. “This Jaemin kid sounds like a shit. Ignore what he said and try to talk to them.”

 

Mark rolled his eyes. “What would you like me to say? ‘Hey, guys, sorry for screwing Jeno over. We good now?’” 

 

Johnny’s eyes widened as he nodded his head. “Yeah, kinda, dude. You kids drag shit out for so long. Just make up and go back to your usual playdates.”

 

“Johnny,” Jaehyun said incredulously. “They’re teenagers, not robots. Jeno’s not just gonna magically feel peachy about the situation.”

 

Johnny grabbed another slice of pizza from the box. “Whatever, man. These kids seem kinda robotic to me, giving Mark the silent treatment for this long.” He took a bite, thinking. “I bet it was that evil little shit Jaemin who put them up to it.” Mark and Jaehyun both had to laugh at that.

 

—  


Deep into the heart of July, sweating his days away mowing lawns and idly passing time in the sun had become almost routine to Mark. And forcing himself to be numb to how he was feeling, distracting himself as much as possible, was almost working. _Almost._ When he could manage to force the guilt down to a simmer rather than a complete overflowing boil, he would daydream about Donghyuck. He would think about him and his smile and his laugh and the way his eyes twinkled in the sun and the way he had looked at him and his _voice_. And when he really was having a good day, he’d let himself imagine what it would’ve been like to kiss Donghyuck, not in that awful drunken moment but in some moment in an alternate universe. In some moment where things were different.

 

But things weren’t different, and he wasn’t in an alternate universe. He still felt the pain, but it had gone from a sharp stab to a dull ache that only worsened at night or any other time when he took a moment to feel the full reality of the situation.

 

And that’s just what he was doing on a humid, disgusting Tuesday night, laying face down on his bed after a long day of pushing a lawnmower, wishing to teleport to some alternate universe where he wasn’t completely drowning in sadness. He had just taken a shower in an attempt to cool off but was already sweating enough to make his baggy t-shirt stick to him on the places where it clung to his back most. It was making him irritable, more annoyed than he usually felt when reminiscing on how much of a bad person he was.

 

His self-loathing was interrupted by a soft knock at the door. “What, Mom?” he groaned, turning over so his face was no longer buried into the pillow.

 

The door opened slowly, and before Mark could see the person behind it, he heard them. “Not your mom, dickhead.”

 

Jaemin.

 

Mark suddenly had the overwhelming urge to run, hide, and puke all at once. His heart felt like it was in his throat, and his stomach felt like it dropped to his ass, and he took in a sharp breath, anticipating how Jaemin was about to berate him.

 

“Wh— Why?” was all Mark managed to spit out.

 

“Why _what_?” Jaemin said, sitting down at the chair by Mark’s desk as Mark changed his position, sitting up on the bed. “Because there’s a lot of reasons you could be asking why.” He lifted an eyebrow at Mark, waiting for a response.

 

Mark paused, wanting to not sound like a complete idiot when he answered. “Why are you here?”

 

Jaemin crossed his arms over his chest. “Well, I walked here, and your mom let me in.”

 

“That answers _how_ you’re here, Jaemin,” Mark retorted. “I want _why_.”

 

“Hm… You fucked my best friend over, and you haven’t spoken to any of us in two weeks,” Jaemin said coolly. “Does that answer it?”

 

Mark’s face burnt red at the snarky answer. He had the home field advantage, and yet he felt so nervous in his own space. “You said I shouldn’t talk to any of you unless you talked to me first,” Mark said quietly, avoiding eye contact as he picked at a hangnail.

 

Jaemin let out a laugh, and Mark felt himself shrinking at the sound. “Oh, Jesus Christ, Mark,” he said in disbelief. “I didn’t think it’d be that easy to make you back down.”

 

“It’s pretty easy to do. Kicking a person when he’s down and all, you know,” Mark replied. Mark noticed Jaemin’s smile fading a bit when he looked up at him again.

 

“Listen, Mark hyung,” he said, a bit of civility finally filling his tone. “I’m not here to apologize, but I’m not here to shit on you either. You’re my friend, even though you make poor choices.” 

 

Mark took in a deep breath. “Jaemin. I’m sorry. Seriously. I’m sorry for everything, and I’m sorry to you and Jeno and Donghyuck and everyone else. And I hope you guys have been, like, I don’t know, enjoying your summer, or at least trying to. Fuck,” Mark said, shaking his head. “I feel like shit, Jaemin. And I’m sure Jeno feels worse than I do, so I deserve this.”

 

“Enjoying our summer? Mark, I can’t even get Jeno and Donghyuck in the same room without Donghyuck looking like he’s about to start crying. It’s sad,” Jaemin explained, slightly rolling his eyes. Mark’s stomach ached at the thought of Donghyuck looking anything less than happy. “He feels so guilty, man.”

 

Mark fell silent at that, and Jaemin took that as an opportunity to fill Mark in even more. “Shit. I don’t know what to do. I tried to get Renjun to help, but he’s not the problem solver of the group. That’s us, you know? Leos get shit done,” Jaemin said, a slight chuckle slipping out. Mark felt slightly comforted at how Jaemin was being just a touch amicable.

 

“As if I know what to do,” he squeaked. “I can hardly fix myself, let alone them.”

 

 

Jaemin let out a long sigh. “Dude, somehow Jeno is doing better than Donghyuck. Jeno kinda accepted it, he told me he saw it coming, and he’s being, like, a beacon of positivity. Donghyuck, on the other hand… I don’t know why he feels even worse about it than Jeno, but he does, and he won’t even talk about it with any of us.” Mark didn’t know what hurt worse, hearing that Jeno saw it coming or that Donghyuck felt like shit (he did know, it was the latter, but he didn’t want to admit it to himself).

 

“Does everyone hate my guts?” Mark asked, not quite wanting to be told the answer but needing to know anyway.

 

“Nah, man, I don’t even _hate_ you. I just want shit to be normal again, as much as it possibly can be,” he reasoned. “But you gotta get through to Donghyuck first.”

 

Mark’s eyes widened. “Me?” He wasn’t sure he’d be able to face Donghyuck again just to say hello, let alone “get through” to him.

 

“Something’s gotta give,” Jaemin said, getting up from the chair and walking towards Mark. “You did it, maybe you can undo it. It’s weird when Donghyuck’s not being a shithead.” Mark winced just the tiniest bit, imagining what things would be like without Donghyuck being a smartass whenever he possibly could. He didn’t like it.

 

“I’ll think about it, man,” Mark said, resigned. “I need to try to get myself together before I can do that.”

 

Jaemin reached out, putting his hand on Mark’s shoulder. Mark felt comfort in the shocking friendliness that he was offering to him. “You might feel better making Donghyuck feel better. Just a thought.” He pulled away again, starting to walk towards the door. “He’s the only one who doesn’t know you like him, just so you know.”

 

Stunned speechless, Mark stared at Jaemin in confusion. _How?_ Mark thought. _How could that have gone over his head when it was so glaringly obvious?_

“Yeah, I know. He’s almost as oblivious as you usually are,” Jaemin remarked. “He thinks it was just some stupid, drunk moment that didn’t mean anything. Jeno and I didn’t say a word to him. We figured it’s your business,” a smile spread across his face, “and we certainly didn’t owe you the favor.”

 

“Thanks, Jaemin,” Mark said softly, feeling truly reassured for the first time in weeks. “For everything. Even for calling me an asshole.”

 

Jaemin let out a booming laugh as he opened the door. “Any time. The pleasure was all mine.”

 

Mark fell asleep that night with an inkling that, maybe, somewhere down the line, things would be alright.

 

—

 

Mark didn’t dare to contact Donghyuck, even after everything Jaemin had revealed to him. He knew fixing things with him, even if that meant simply being acquaintances, was essentially the final step to having his group of friends back. He knew he’d have to smooth things over with Jeno, but somehow, that felt easy. At least in comparison to confronting Donghyuck.

 

The idea that Donghyuck had no clue what Mark was feeling only scared Mark more. He figured his feelings were implied, obvious, clear as day to literally anyone at this point, but knowing he had to actually spell it out for him (and then inevitably get rejected) made his stomach flip. It would be like more salt in his very fresh, very open wound.

 

Mark had mustered up the courage to text everyone individually, simply apologizing. He didn’t know why he owed an apology to the whole group, but he felt it was needed. Every single time he opened up his messages with Donghyuck, though, he couldn’t even begin to start typing. He couldn’t begin to fathom what words could express how he felt. So every time he would simply look at their last few messages (some stupid banter about Michael Jackson’s greatest album), let out a self-admittedly dramatic sigh, and close their conversation. Mark was fully aware of how cowardly it was, but he had never prided himself on being the bravest person in the world anyway. 

 

Thankfully, he no longer felt gloomy how he did when everything first went up in flames, but the ache of missing Donghyuck was growing greater each day. Harder to ignore.

 

“Just call him. Text him. Send him a letter for all I care, Mark. You’re being a little bitch,” Johnny said to him one day when Mark was being particularly whiny about how much he missed Donghyuck.

 

This time, their friend Ten was over. He was some exchange student from Thailand who Mark was meeting for the first time and who was taking way too many liberties involving himself in Mark’s personal life (although, Mark did have to admit he was being pretty open about the whole situation right in front of Ten). “You poor thing,” Ten cooed, looking at Mark like he was a baby. “Maybe he’s missing you too!”

 

He was aware even after an hour with the guy that he was way too optimistic, even for Mark’s taste, but the words resounded in his head long after they had been spoken. _Maybe he’s missing you too._ Mark didn’t quite believe it, but he liked to entertain the thought as much as he possibly could.

 

—

 

That summer had been particularly dry — little rain and almost too much sun. When Mark looked up from the television and peered through the window, seeing big, looming, gray clouds beginning to shroud the sun and the blue sky, he couldn’t help but feel thrown off by the sight that had been so rare as of recent.

 

He idly wondered where Donghyuck was, thinking back to the time Donghyuck told him he loved storms. The rain hadn’t started yet, but Mark knew it would, soon. A rumble of thunder purred in the distance, and he was sure the storm would come and go with a sense of urgency, passing through only to let the ground soak up the rain and to let the humidity in the air finally be broken.

 

Mark reached for his phone as it vibrated, and he had to stare in wonder for a moment once he flipped it over. Written on his screen was a name that hadn’t been there in what felt like an eternity. _Donghyuck_. Reluctantly, he opened it.

 

**Donghyuck**

[3:37 PM] Come outside please

 

Mark didn’t bother to text back. He didn’t even bother to wonder what was going to happen once he got out there. Hands slightly shaky and heart already pounding into overdrive, he walked out the front door and was greeted with a sight that he had missed all too much.

 

There was Donghyuck, standing all the way across the lawn, on the sidewalk in front of Mark’s house. Mark saw him before Donghyuck noticed he was outside. He was preoccupied with looking across the sky at the billowing clouds that had formed. As Mark took the moment to compose himself, taking in the sight of Donghyuck, he felt his stomach fill with knots. His skin, Mark noticed, had gotten even more sunkissed, glowing even under the darkening sky. His chocolate hair was slightly disheveled, blowing in the breeze. Mark thought he looked perfect, and it certainly didn’t help how weak his knees were starting to feel.

 

With all the willpower in his body, he forced himself to move forward, towards Donghyuck. By the time he was halfway across the lawn, Donghyuck finally noticed, and Mark felt like he was going to be sick from the cold, unreadable look in Donghyuck’s eyes. 

 

When he was close enough, he finally spoke. “Hi, Donghyuck.” His voice was feeble as he focused all his energy on trying not to visibly let his hands shake.

 

“Were you planning on never speaking to me again?” Donghyuck spat back at him. “Or did you just figure this was gonna pass?” Mark had seen Donghyuck angry, and he had seen him sarcastic. He had never seen him like this, though, with bitterness filling his every word, and it certainly wasn’t what he expected after what Jaemin had told him. He had to take a moment to respond, just to keep himself collected.

 

“Jaemin told me not to talk to any of you until you talked to me,” Mark said, wanting to look away but forcing himself to hold eye contact. “I just figured that was the general consensus.” 

 

“I’m not Jaemin,” Donghyuck snapped. “And I never agreed to that.” As he spoke, a few stray rain drops began to fall, littering the gray sideway with dark polka dots. They both stayed still, seemingly unaffected by whatever the elements were about to throw at them.

 

Mark itched the back of his neck nervously, not quite sure how he could respond to that without sounding foolish. “I’m sorry,” he managed to say. “I… didn’t want to make things worse.”

 

“I thought I at least deserved the decency of an explanation,” Donghyuck said, slightly less angrily than his previous statements had been. It still hit Mark hard. He knew it was true.

 

Mark nodded as the rain droplets started getting bigger, falling faster. Neither of them moved a muscle. “You did. You _do_ … I just don’t know where to begin.”

 

“Jeno got an explanation. Jaemin got an explanation. Every single one of them got something from you, Mark hyung,” Donghyuck protested, voice growing louder to overcome the roar of thunder that only kept getting closer to them. “And I got nothing.” Mark knew Donghyuck wanted to sound tough, strong, but his voice faltered a little at the last part. He wanted to cry at the sound of Donghyuck breaking. Being broken.

 

“I guess I should’ve known,” Donghyuck went on. Mark couldn't tell from the way the rain was drenching him now, but he swore the younger boy was letting a few tears slip. “I always come second to Jeno, even with something as simple as an apology. An _explanation_.”

 

The words stung him. Badly. He couldn’t bear the idea that Donghyuck thought he was second to Jeno when the truth was, Donghyuck was first. First, the best, the one who mattered most. That was what had caused all of it. Donghyuck coming first. Donghyuck looked down at his feet, and guilt bubbled up in Mark’s chest. He had never looked that small to him before.

 

“That’s not true,” Mark said meekly, and lightning lit up the sky. A boom of thunder followed a few seconds later. Mark flinched at the roar.

 

Donghyuck looked up at Mark, baffled that Mark would dare to say something like that. “Don’t lie to make me feel better. I’m pretty sure we’re past that now,” he nearly yelled over the sound of the storm. “Everyone else got an apology, and all I got was guilt for making you ruin your relationship.”

 

“Is that what you think, Donghyuck?” Mark uttered, pushing away the strands of hair that had started clinging to his face. “Do you even know why I tried to kiss you that night?”

 

“Because you were drunk, and… and I don’t know why. Because you were drunk,” he replied, sounding less than convincing. 

 

Mark shook his head. “Why did you do it then, Mark? Why did you fuck everything up just to try to kiss _me_?” Donghyuck sneered.

 

“Yeah, Donghyuck, I was drunk.” He paused before saying the next part but decided he had to say it now or else he never would. “But I did it because I couldn’t keep lying. I have feelings for you. Like, really, really strong feelings, Donghyuck. Feelings that I wished came second to how I felt about Jeno.” He was practically screaming, not in anger, not in frustration. Just because he had to let it out, so he could finally feel like he wasn’t going crazy.

 

Mark took a small step closer to Donghyuck, grabbing his face so he would look him in the eyes. He softly pushed the wet hair out of Donghyuck’s eyes, waiting for a response. “Don’t you see that, Donghyuck? I _like_ you. So much. I fucked everything up, and that guilt is on me. Not you.”

 

Donghyuck’s eyes met Mark’s in wonder, filled with equal parts confusion and disbelief. “It wasn’t an accident?” he said so quietly that Mark almost couldn’t hear him over the rain.

 

“No,” Mark replied. “No. It was poor timing and shitty decision making, but no. I wanted to do it.” 

 

A smile crept onto Donghyuck’s lips, Mark’s hands still framing his face as rain droplets streamed across his skin. “You really like me, Mark Lee?”

 

Mark wondered how the tables had turned so fast, blush creeping onto his cheeks as it usually did whenever he spoke to Donghyuck. His heart swelled. “Yes, Lee Donghyuck. Enough to royally fuck up most aspects of my life.”

 

Donghyuck’s hands found his way to Mark’s baggy t-shirt, which now clung to his skin, and his touch sent a chill through Mark’s body. He toyed with the material, and the warmth where Mark could feel his fingertips through the fabric brought forth the fond, nervous feeling that always exhilarated him.

 

“You’re an idiot,” Donghyuck giggled, pulling at his shirt so he would inch closer. Mark’s whole body felt warm, despite being drenched. He preoccupied himself with fixing Donghyuck’s hair, combing his fingers through it to keep it out of his face.

 

“Yes, I’m aware,” he replied, suddenly feeling nervous about how close they were. He looked down, focusing on the way the rain hit the pavement.

 

Donghyuck’s laugh rung out, bright and sunny, juxtaposing the storm around them, and Mark felt his stomach doing a flip. “Hey,” he said, causing Mark to make eye contact again. “I like you too.” At Mark’s silence, Donghyuck spoke again. “Are you gonna leave me hanging like I did to you? Because I started thinking maybe I’d actually get a kiss this time.” 

 

Mark let out a chuckle, partially in disbelief because of how fast Donghyuck had returned to his normal self. _Normal_. He found comfort in something finally being normal again.

 

“Are you sure?” Mark asked, voice unexpectedly shaky. It felt too good to be true, too easy to be real. 

 

“Promise I won’t push you away this time,” Donghyuck vowed, a smile lighting up his features. Mark believed it.

 

Slowly, gently, Mark’s hands guided Donghyuck’s face closer to his. The nervous feeling, the one he loved, the one he reveled in — it had overcome him stronger than ever before. The rain still fell, hard, and everything about it was almost too real, so sobering, particularly in comparison to the last time Mark had tried this. Donghyuck smirked, any nervousness he could’ve felt completely hidden as Mark watched him move his gaze to his lips. Time felt slower than usual, and finally, in one strong motion, Mark’s lips met Donghyuck’s.

 

Mark’s breath hitched at the contact, Donghyuck’s lips soft and warm against his own. The kiss was soft, sweet, everything Mark had been thinking about all this time. His fingertips traced the edges of Donghyuck’s face lightly, and he had to stop himself from smiling as his heart filled with contentment. Donghyuck’s grip on his shirt grew stronger, and Mark’s whole being felt overwhelmed as the younger boy’s lips met his more feverishly. His own face flushed at the feeling of Donghyuck so unapologetically losing himself in the kiss. Thunder roared, louder than before, and Mark only pulled Donghyuck closer.

 

When Mark was almost too dizzy from how much his heart was racing, he started to pull away, only to move back in and leave a final peck on his lips, and the corner of his mouth, and a few times on his cheeks, too, for good measure. Donghyuck’s wet eyelashes fluttered as he opened his eyes, shyly meeting Mark’s gaze. Mark blushed at the sight of Donghyuck’s lips, slightly poutier from the kiss.

 

“Mark hyung,” Donghyuck whined, still clutching onto the older boy. “Can we, like, go in your house now? The rain was nice for dramatic effect, but I’m over it.”

 

Mark grinned, incapable of believing that this witty, silly, sarcastic boy was more than a simple figment of his imagination. “Yeah, sorry, let’s go,” he replied, holding Donghyuck’s hand as they ran inside.

 

Not even five minutes later, the storm came to an abrupt halt as the sun filled the sky once again. “Poor timing,” Donghyuck commented as he dried his hair with a towel, clad in some extra clothes had Mark let him borrow.

 

“Nuh uh,” Mark said happily, “you like storms anyway.”

 

—

 

In many aspects where Mark had once feared change, where Mark had once clung onto consistency, things had shifted. His life was undoubtedly different from what it had been a few months prior, and yet somehow, there was a sense of comfort that stemmed from the changes. In areas where he swore the puzzle pieces had fit perfectly, he found there were new pieces that fit much better, with much less strain. 

 

It had taken some adjustment for everyone to get back to how they had been. And of course, not everything could be exactly how it was before. Mark felt guilty for it a lot of times, and he knew Donghyuck did too. Bearing the burden of somehow changing the dynamic of their friend group, that was hard for Mark to handle. And knowing Jeno could see the relationship between him and Donghyuck, that it wasn’t some hidden secret, almost felt worse than trying to keep it from him. 

 

But like Johnny had promised him, time heals all wounds. And it did.

 

Christmastime came around, and the boys were on winter break, and truthfully, everything seemed to have been worked out. All the kinks, the tensions, the problems that had been left behind from the mess Mark had made — they seemed to have been smoothed over, finally being remedied effectively. Finally healing. Things were falling into place for each of them.

 

“Mark hyung, why do you want to do the same lame thing every year?” Chenle sneered, sitting on the floor in front of the TV as Mark gathered DVDs of his favorite Christmas movies.

 

“It’s not lame, Chenle, you know you love it,” Jeno protested from the couch, and Chenle’s scowl told them he was right. 

 

Mark turned on _The Polar Express_ (“Okay, really, Mark? I love it too, but every goddamn time,” Jaemin groaned when the first scene flashed onto the screen), finding his seat on the opposite couch next to Donghyuck. He grabbed Donghyuck’s hand, feeling content. 

 

His gaze wandered to where Jeno was sitting, next to Jaemin. His head was nuzzled onto Jaemin’s shoulder, Jaemin’s arm wrapped around him, and Mark couldn’t help but smile at how other things seemed to be falling into place. Things hadn’t only improved for him and Donghyuck.

 

“Hey,” he whispered to Donghyuck, quiet enough for no one to hear (and no one would’ve cared anyway; they were, ironically, all too enthralled by the movie despite their earlier complaints).

 

Donghyuck looked at him, a playful smirk enchanting his features. “What is it, Mark hyung? I’m trying to watch the cinematic gold you insisted we watch.”

 

Mark looked at Donghyuck, eyes full of joy. “Thanks for making my life less… less boring,” he said, gently. “Less monotonous.” He leaned over, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek.

 

“Any time, Mark Lee,” Donghyuck replied. “I seem to have that effect on people’s lives.”

 

All Mark could do was shake his head and smile. He felt brand new.

**Author's Note:**

> this took me way too long to finish but here it is!!! sorry to anyone who checked the markno tag and potentially got excited that there was some content..my sincerest apologies!!
> 
> anyway Thank u so much to my lovely beta (are u really considered a beta for just reading it n supporting me idk) i love u so much thank u for all ur help ^-^
> 
> any feedback is very very wanted n appreciated ♡


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